Present

April 2017. I have Fibromyalgia. It really sucks. I have lived with some type of body pain my whole life so why would the thought of being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia make feel so sad? Back in November 2016 my arms started to hurt really bad. Not like normal aches and pains but sharp, burning, stinging on the skin when touched. I thought I was going to go crazy with the pain. I tried some basic things like making sure my ergo assessment at work was correct, especially since I had just started a new position at a different office,  I knew this could be what was causing my arms to hurt if the ergo numbers were off. So after about a week of that I noticed the pain was still there and now I could feel it actually start to fire right in the center of my upper outer part of the arm. It would actually radiate out like in a circle and travel everywhere it could reach from that point. Then my shoulders, collar bone area and neck would start with the rapid super intense sharp pains. It was all I could do to just breathe through each moment. Then the pain would climax and I knew I would be able to continue my work.

I have never been physically limited for such an extended amount of time like I have over the last several months. Even when I herniated the disks in my low back about ten years ago, I was only down for about 3 months and then literally went hiking in the local rocky foothills with my kids. But now it is a chore just to make it through the grocery store without cringing in pain. Then I saw the doctor and he recommended me to a pain clinic group class and it was then did the reality of what was happening start to set in and so did my old buddy Depression. I refer to Depression as a He because in my own way I associate this disorder as separate thing from me and just visiting, not residing. I could feel Him getting closer and could almost feel the hand of darkness settle on my shoulder as if to let me know He is here. Now in addition to the constant pain of Fibromyalgia, I now have to put up my defenses to guard against the Dark One.

As you can see just having just those two conditions are pretty serious. I have Psoriatic Arthritis in my low back accompanied by psoriasis on my skin. The itching and burning I sometimes would get with the patches on my skin could be so aggravating to suffer though. The skin condition is what really took me to the doctor, it was getting way out of control. I have large patches on my legs and arms that I can cover up but the ones on my scalp (they are covered by my hair mostly) were starting to migrate down on to my face. My vanity kicked in and I was desperate to find something to keep it from making me into a scaly lizard face. That’s how I felt, like a person mutating into a reptile. My husband and I would joke about being “reptilian” just to keep it light. So after going to one doctor who referred me to another doctor, he suggested and believed the body pain was not arthritis but Fibromyalgia. I was dumbstruck. For a moment I drew a blank. He gave me some brochures, talked with me, gave me a prescription, and referred me to the pain clinic so I could learn how to live with chronic pain. I already did live with chronic pain, that’s why I went to the doctor so we could try to fix it. Why did I need a pain group, I was upset, I wanted to cry, but I didn’t. I got in my jeep and went home.

This present experience is what brings me to this blog. I want to share my experiences with these conditions so others can see they are not alone. I have felt very alone at times and the despair that can come from those feelings just aren’t worth it.

So for now, I will end this post with this. I am now a few months in with a couple of medications, exercise, and actively using other skills I’ve previously learned to help cope with the chronic pain and emotional crap that goes with it and do feel much better. I keep my eyes on the silver lining and know that one day this too will pass.