The Scale doesn’t Lie but People do.

Being a larger person from a family of larger people it is pretty obvious there are some genetic factors playing a role in my physique. That’s not the whole story though. Losing weight is possible and I have done it but right now I just don’t really care. I’ve learned the hard way that the scale does not define me as a person, it just tells me how much my body weighs. Nothing more. It does not tell me I’m ugly, or stupid, worthless, or lazy. The scale doesn’t lie either, unless the batteries are dead. Weight is not something to stress out about but it is healthy to maintain a weight right for you.

The worst thing ever is to be depressed and fat because all I can think about is how worthless I am. Thoughts like “if I was skinny, I wouldn’t feel this way” would go through my brain and make me feel even more hopeless. Then people would tell me to lose weight and it will cure my psoriatic arthritis and Fibromyalgia. It’s a bunch of bologna. Losing weight does help reduce my pain especially in my low back but I had these issues before I got my 8hr a day sitting in an office body. I still had flare ups, depression, and anxiety. So what gives? I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. So why worry and grow gray hair.

I have struggled with my weight and perception there of for my whole life. My mother whom I love is just as flawed as I am and tried to maintain a svelte body when she was younger but to no avail our genes kicked in and well you can figure out the rest of the story. She would hit the gym regularly when I was young and meanwhile I’d hang out at the juicing bar drinking an awesome fruit smoothie. She would tell me, and yes this is so bad, that if I gained weight I wouldn’t be able to get a man and that I better be careful because you don’t want to get fat. What a rotten thing to say to a young impressionable child. I’ve spent my whole life thinking I had to be thin to be loved and valued by a man, for that matter by anyone since being fat was practically considered a sin. Growing up was difficult too since my body shape was considered voluptuous I would get mean looks from girls and drool from the boys. My perception of how I should look and feel was definitely crumbling. By the time I was in high school I thought the relationships I had with boys was how I was to receive love. It made sense to me then, I mean why not? If what my mom said was true then a skinny figure and sex was the way to go. NOT! We live and learn and learn I  did, the hard way. When I was 15 1/2 I met and hooked up with my ex-husband, he was 30 years old. It did not go very well.

Jumping ahead lots of agonizing years I finally left him. I had three great kids during that marriage and even though it was a tumultuous relationship, I still learned plenty of life lessons. One of them being that the reason he cheated on me was because he thought I was too fat. Oh my! I am larger now than I was then, what would he think now? Who cares, not me. You see learning to become me and learn myself has been one of the hardest things in my life.

I was once in a Wal-Mart with a friend and his teenage daughter, we were shopping for jeans when I had an internal meltdown because the size of my pants had gone up by one size. His daughter told me that it was OK because I am who I am and this is my body for right now and just buy the pants that I need to wear. The size didn’t matter because she saw me for my heart and person not my weight. She is such a smart little lady.

Her concept is exactly what I have finally taken to heart with the help of my understanding husband. Through many scary moments with him, fearing rejection or criticisms, he has helped me past this negative part I’ve lived with my whole life. He loves me for me and not my body shape. There is more to love than sex and skinny figures. So many people throughout my life have given me positive feedback and tools to help my self-image but it is only when the person truly takes hold and keeps it close to their heart that they are ready to take the leap and love them self.

Needless to say my figure does affect my health but not in the way one would think. I need to lose weight because I know my cardio health will be better and I will be better able to enjoy more outside activities for a longer time frame than I do now. But as I work daily to make better food choices and exercise according to what my body can handle I know that these efforts are for me and no one else.  I choose to make healthier choices because I want to be around longer and be there for my kids. Does this mean I will weigh 105 and wear clothes like my daughter, no way! I will never be 21 again unless we find a time machine to take me back, but even then I would not go back because I like who I am and the woman I’ve become. I have learned that my worth is not tied to a number and that being loved is possible without giving my soul away. I guess what I am trying to say is don’t be a number, be a person with a heart and soul. We all struggle but you’re not alone and you can do anything you want to with a little self-discipline. You are a beautiful creature and unique to yourself.