I’ve lived my whole life with depression, unfortunately, but lately it seems like I am slipping back into an episode and it really sucks! I feel alone even though I am surrounded by people, no body really understands unless they have been there and can relate to the feelings that occur. Being normal one day and then realizing a few weeks later you have been slowly slipping away from everything you once enjoyed and made you happy to be faced with the reality of where you are emotionally is a bit overwhelming. I stay it again’ overwhelming. I find myself losing water weight to the tears falling out of my eyes while driving to work and all I want to do is take a really long nap and let this all pass me by so when I awake all will be good again.
Heavy sigh.
I try to find happiness in what I do whether it’s at work or home but my strength is failing and I just try everyday to maintain and keep going. As I write this tears are trying form and there is no reason why they should. Nothings in my life has changed, all is same old same old. Heavy sigh, sorry, I do this a lot.
I’m at a point where talking about how I feel doesn’t really work anymore. Been there done that with therapists and friends, it really doesn’t matter because the depression will always be lurking right around the next brain cell waiting to attack me when I least suspect it. I’ve tried to reach out to certain people but to no avail help is still evading me. That’s because help doesn’t really exist, I am going to be like this the rest of my fricken life and that’s just it. All I can hear right now is “suck it up buttercup “I don’t think I can.
I hear stories about how people have taken their lives because of depression and it tears my heart up. I know the struggle, I feel been there before and those thoughts still go through my head at times. I try to remember I am a survivor and warrior. Warrior you wonder? It takes a soldier to battle a life long disorder that wants to take your life away all the time. However, this warrior is beginning to tire, I win battles but never the war.
Well, back to pretending again, lunch break is over and I have to put on my work face and eat my crappy cucumbers. If you want to really know my feeling try listening to “wash it all away” from Five Finger Death Punch….it says it all.
Have a great day everyone………..
So I am updating this article, one I don’t want anyone to think I am suicidal, but because so much and developed since I started this that I wanted to continue the conversation.
I have been up and down this whole last two months, maybe longer but it seems like an eternity. My brain won’t shut up and my depression is gripping my soul like a dark sharp claw crushing my heart. It sounds bleak, but its really not. I am still crying but I think now is the time to cry and feel pain and let it out. I’ve been told I am safe now, not sure I really believe it, but hey its always worth a shot to try. I keep trying, that’s why I know I will never commit suicide, because I can’t ever stop trying to bet or get better.
To be continued……..
Update…
Looking back to this thanksgiving weekend, I realized part of my problem is the noise in my head. It’s always there and never stops. What I mean is that my thoughts are racing and the ” ooh squirrel” factor is present. The only way to quiet the sounds and focus is some very heavy drinking and that could turn out real bad. Now that the weekend is over and it’s time to get back to the norm I am left with this new information and need to find a healthy way too control the noise without alcohol…
To be continued, again….
To update, I am finally done this episode of depression and only because of my husband. I was reaching out to him for help and started the conversation by saying “so I have been thinking…” that was all he needed to hear because the expression he gave me and the comment “oh shit” stopped me in my tracks for about a second and I realized in that moment thinking was the problem. I thought to myself “just stop thinking about it”. OMG! Suck a simple concept but reiterated at the right time reminded me I have the ability to shut it off. I think when someone is deep in the depressive episode we cannot see simple remedies because we have sunk so low everything becomes a dark gray blur in our heads. So ultimately I just wanted to follow up on this post and hope that these few paragraphs will give someone hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am still here and alive & well.
My Silver Lining 