Author: heidiwattage

This weekend I spent with my daughter and son-n-law and realized there are moments in life that make me remember the light at the end of the tunnel really exists and that right there gives me hope. Hope that someday I will be free of my emotional and psychological restraints and that I will be able to enjoy the moments of my life and family fully.

My daughter is an amazing young woman. She just graduated paramedic academy; after spending a whole year going to school full time, working full time, and trying to be a wife all at the same time. She is very intuitive and has so much to give to the world. Her heart is big and she has a drive to succeed in life, whatever than may be to her. She has gone through so much and her experiences on this journey has shown me that anything is possible.

The three of us, Jules, son-n-law, myself arrived at the graduation site in the pit of hell aka: the high desert, and went in the facility to be seated. Jules disappeared and we found some chairs with good photo shots of the stage. While we waited my ex-husband arrived and struck up a conversation with Jules husband and then began to talk to me. I was pleasant as he was too but I felt somewhat uncomfortable with his choice of seating, right behind us. Hmmmm….I was thinking about moving but felt the restraint of proper public etiquette. I didn’t want to be rude so I scooted down the row letting my son-n-law know those vacant seats are for his parents. I felt a little better.

For privacy I am going to name my son-n-law something else because I don’t have his permission to use his legal name….let’s call him Loki. So Loki’s parents show up and take theirs seats but Loki’s dad started to take pics of all of us and anyone who knows me knows I hate photos. I hate them because a picture is worth a million words and being a larger person I don’t want to see the truth of how I’ve let myself go. I politely asked his dad to not photograph me and he responded with a snarky comment that instantly irritated me. I sat there, quietly not talking to anyone. I hav nothing in common with them but was trying to be polite and join in the celebration. No such luck.

The tension I felt in my heart said “get the hell out of here, screw these people and their judgmental attitudes”. So I did, I just got up and walked right out. The ceremony had not started yet and lots of people were still hovering around socializing with the firemen and paramedics that were there. This is too many people in a small room and I felt the walls closing in. I did not want this to happen, but it did. My heart started racing and my hands were shaking, this was the start of an anxiety attack. Mild sharp chest pains and my brain racing I knew I needed to take a pill and chill the heck out. I took my medicine and re-entered the building to find a seat in the back but with still with decent visibility of the stage and right next to the exit. I felt better now, I could see the whole area of the people and where everyone was at except for the few people who were standing behind me. I had to tell myself that I was in a safe place and nobody was going to attack me here, I’m ok.

The ceremony was very cool and I managed to sit all the way through it. I am so proud of my daughter and all of her accomplishments that all I really could do was sit and be thankful for her. Once it ended photos were being taken and I slipped away outside to finally get some breathing room. I don’t miss living in the desert and decided to walk across the street and feel the little life that exists there. I find when I immerse myself in nature, of any type, I find a sense of calm and balance. I went over to the nearest creosote and began touching its seed ball and the seed started to crumble in my hand reminding me of how dry the desert is. The ground is so brownish tan and the foothills full of rocks and scrub brush. I walked around looking for a rock, just one to take home and say I have a piece of the desert with me. I did find something, a perfectly shaped triangle of iron filled basalt and I grabbed it. My thoughts were that this rock reminded me of the Bermuda Triangle and that’s what the desert was, a triangle of crap and most never find their way out. I kept that rock and know I never want to go back there again.

I am proud of my daughter and her successes. She has broken some of the pattern that the females in my family have dealt with. She is a pioneer paving a new way for generations to come. I see a strong beautiful young women with lots of love and life; she will go far. I will always support her and if I have to, I’ll go back to the desert, but only because of her. Nothing else will ever bring me back. I found my balance looking for rocks and allowed some photos to be taken because I realized they are important to my baby girl and this is where I decided to do what made me uncomfortable but knew she is worth it. She taught me this last weekend it’s ok to allow some vulnerability and still be safe.

Nightmares, dreams, nightmares, and more nightmares, I can never get a good night sleep. The dreams are few the nightmares are nightly, the only variation is who is in the nightmare. Whether the main villain is my ex-husband or some other man unknown to me, a man is always present. Just so you know I am not a man hater or anything like that. I love the men in my life and have male friends, but my brain has a different concept of men and nightly makes me relive some bad stuff. Having been sexually abused starting at an early age its no wonder my brain has a bad impression of men. I don’t think all men are bad, in fact I personally know some very awesome men. So why does my darn brain afflict me with terrible images of constant fighting to save my life, trying to save random childrens lives, blood and death everywhere all the time. This is the reoccurring constant in my nightmares. All I want is to be able to sleep without interruption and feel refreshed the next morning. Is that too much to ask? In this case, yes.

I have always been a vivid dreamer. Colors, action, flight, you name it I have dreamt it. I remember most of my dreams too which makes dealing with nightmares so difficult. They have the tendency to stay with me throughout the day affecting my general mood. Its a constant battle, sleep and awake. The bad dreams that really get me are the ones where I am some kind of warrior killing because I have to save myself. These get so intense that I feel like I am really there experiencing the whole thing live. I sometimes become aware in my dreams and then they get really interesting. I like to fly, it is my escape and if I cannot fly well then something is holding me back. It could be something in my subconscious or something in reality not allowing me to feel the freedom of the winds force pushing against my skin as I dive towards the water to level out and skim the surface. Flying is an escape and gives me a sense of freedom. I once dreamt I was flying and when I realized I could fly I yelled out “I am free!” This one was good and fun.

However, being raped by a demon or trying to kill someone to get away is something that lingers. I hate these nightmares. Or when I see a large insect thing that looks like a face-hugger alien slash ammonite crawling across the wall  and I jump out of bed screaming “what is is?! Do you see It?! Wait I think I’m dreaming”. To lay back down and instantly be snoring again makes for a restless night. I dream about so much intense stuff that I don’t know how I am still sane. But I am, I think. Probably one of the more recent nightmares was when I saw  a hole in the ceiling opening up and bloody chains full of flesh and gore descending towards me and by then my eyes were actually opened because the hole started to morph into my bedroom and that’s when I flew out of bed over my husband flipping out and finally woke enough to know I had been dreaming again. Tiring.

I started this post a few months ago but never published it so here is an update. These nightmares became so cumbersome that I finally told my doctor and he prescribed me a drug that actually stops the PTSD dreams. They became so bad I started dreaming about actual events that had occurred and could feel all the emotions associated with the incident. The perpetrator was the actual person and then started to morph into my husband. This had to stop and now!

After starting the medicine I noticed almost immediately the dreams slowed down. I was still having dreams but not as intense. I am about a month in now on the new drug, and the nightmares are definitely taking a break, but I still dream about the desert and have dreams relating to escaping but this is manageable. There will probably never be a dream free night but as long as I am able to get a decent night sleep then I feel like I am doing good. There is hope.

Hello darkness my old friend,  why are you here again? Depression has made his apppearance again and is really affecting me. I guess it’s good that I can recognize the problem but still can’t seem to stop the process. I am beginning to realize that even though I am equipped with tools or skills to help defeat my enemy, I am still helpless in the respect that no amount of positivity or self help will defeat the sadness. I have to go through the process until it decides to go away. The tools live learned are there to help cope with the process. This whole thing can make a person depressed just trying to wrap your head around it.

This time I could feel the cold grip of his dark shadowy hand on my shoulder about a month ago. I told my husband, I feel it coming back. I kept going on about my normal daily routine, work, home, slept, and work the next day. I thought routine is good, helps me know what to expect and that can help with anxiety and depression sometimes.

A week later I tell my husband again the same thing except I feel more urgency to what I am saying. The darkness has a firm hold on my shoulder now and is creeping to other side.  I keep on going. What else can I do? I have a life, I think, just kidding. Sometimes when you are in a routine, life can become a blur, but like I said routine for me is a coping mechanism.

Here we go again, now the emotions are starting to change, I chalk it up too my monthly cycle getting ready to make an appearance. Nope, that’s not it either, why can’t I seem to shake this dark cloud?

This post was originally written at the end of September 2017 but I did not post it due to the depression keeping me isolated. I wanted to reach out, but at the time my brain said otherwise. I am posting this now because I want others to know that I survived this espisode even though it was a long one. There is a process, I think, to how depression works and for me it will slowly take over unless I am able to stop it early on. Sometimes you can and other times no. It is what is until it isn’t anymore.

I’ve lived my whole life with depression, unfortunately, but lately it seems like I am slipping back into an episode and it really sucks! I feel alone even though I am surrounded by people, no body really understands unless they have been there and can relate to the feelings that occur. Being normal one day and then realizing a few weeks later you have been slowly slipping away from everything you once enjoyed and made you happy to be faced with the reality of where you are emotionally is a bit overwhelming. I stay it again’ overwhelming. I find myself losing water weight to the tears falling out of my eyes while driving to work and all I want to do is take a really long nap and let this all pass me by so when I awake all will be good again.

Heavy sigh.

I try to find happiness in what I do whether it’s at work or home but my strength is failing and I just try everyday to maintain and keep going. As I write this tears are trying form and there is no reason why they should. Nothings in my life has changed, all is same old same old. Heavy sigh, sorry, I do this a lot.

I’m at a point where talking about how I feel doesn’t really work anymore. Been there done that with therapists and friends, it really doesn’t matter because the depression will always be lurking right around the next brain cell waiting to attack me when I least suspect it. I’ve tried to reach out to certain people but to no avail help is still evading me. That’s because help doesn’t really exist, I am going to be like this the rest of my fricken life and that’s just it. All I can hear right now is “suck it up buttercup “I don’t think I can.

I hear stories about how people have taken their lives because of depression and it tears my heart up. I know the struggle, I feel been there before and those thoughts still go through my head at times. I try to remember I am a survivor and warrior. Warrior you wonder? It takes a soldier to battle a life long disorder that wants to take your life away all the time. However, this warrior is beginning to tire, I win battles but never the war.

Well, back to pretending again, lunch break is over and I have to put on my work face and eat my crappy cucumbers. If you want to really know my feeling try listening to “wash it all away” from Five Finger Death Punch….it says it all.

Have a great day everyone………..

So I am updating this article, one I don’t want anyone to think I am suicidal, but because so much and developed since I started this that I wanted to continue the conversation.

I have been up and down this whole last two months, maybe longer but it seems like an eternity. My brain won’t shut up and my depression is gripping my soul like a dark sharp claw crushing my heart. It sounds bleak, but its really not. I am still crying but I think now is the time to cry and feel pain and let it out. I’ve been told I am safe now, not sure I really believe it, but hey its always worth a shot to try. I keep trying, that’s why I know I will never commit suicide, because I can’t ever stop trying to bet or get better.

To be continued……..

Update…

Looking back to this thanksgiving weekend, I realized part of my problem is the noise in my head. It’s always there and never stops. What I mean is that my thoughts are racing and the ” ooh squirrel” factor is present. The only way to quiet the sounds and focus is some very heavy drinking and that could turn out real bad. Now that the weekend is over and it’s time to get back to the norm I am left with this new information and need to find a healthy way too control the noise without alcohol…

To be continued, again….

To update, I am finally done this episode of depression and only because of my husband. I was reaching out to him for help and started the conversation by saying “so I have been thinking…” that was all he needed to hear because the expression he gave me and the comment “oh shit” stopped me in my tracks for about a second and I realized in that moment thinking was the problem. I thought to myself “just stop thinking about it”. OMG! Suck a simple concept but reiterated at the right time reminded me I have the ability to shut it off. I think when someone is deep in the depressive episode we cannot see simple remedies because we have sunk so low everything becomes a dark gray blur in our heads. So ultimately I just wanted to follow up on this post and hope that these few paragraphs will give someone hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am still here and alive & well.

Being a larger person from a family of larger people it is pretty obvious there are some genetic factors playing a role in my physique. That’s not the whole story though. Losing weight is possible and I have done it but right now I just don’t really care. I’ve learned the hard way that the scale does not define me as a person, it just tells me how much my body weighs. Nothing more. It does not tell me I’m ugly, or stupid, worthless, or lazy. The scale doesn’t lie either, unless the batteries are dead. Weight is not something to stress out about but it is healthy to maintain a weight right for you.

The worst thing ever is to be depressed and fat because all I can think about is how worthless I am. Thoughts like “if I was skinny, I wouldn’t feel this way” would go through my brain and make me feel even more hopeless. Then people would tell me to lose weight and it will cure my psoriatic arthritis and Fibromyalgia. It’s a bunch of bologna. Losing weight does help reduce my pain especially in my low back but I had these issues before I got my 8hr a day sitting in an office body. I still had flare ups, depression, and anxiety. So what gives? I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. So why worry and grow gray hair.

I have struggled with my weight and perception there of for my whole life. My mother whom I love is just as flawed as I am and tried to maintain a svelte body when she was younger but to no avail our genes kicked in and well you can figure out the rest of the story. She would hit the gym regularly when I was young and meanwhile I’d hang out at the juicing bar drinking an awesome fruit smoothie. She would tell me, and yes this is so bad, that if I gained weight I wouldn’t be able to get a man and that I better be careful because you don’t want to get fat. What a rotten thing to say to a young impressionable child. I’ve spent my whole life thinking I had to be thin to be loved and valued by a man, for that matter by anyone since being fat was practically considered a sin. Growing up was difficult too since my body shape was considered voluptuous I would get mean looks from girls and drool from the boys. My perception of how I should look and feel was definitely crumbling. By the time I was in high school I thought the relationships I had with boys was how I was to receive love. It made sense to me then, I mean why not? If what my mom said was true then a skinny figure and sex was the way to go. NOT! We live and learn and learn I  did, the hard way. When I was 15 1/2 I met and hooked up with my ex-husband, he was 30 years old. It did not go very well.

Jumping ahead lots of agonizing years I finally left him. I had three great kids during that marriage and even though it was a tumultuous relationship, I still learned plenty of life lessons. One of them being that the reason he cheated on me was because he thought I was too fat. Oh my! I am larger now than I was then, what would he think now? Who cares, not me. You see learning to become me and learn myself has been one of the hardest things in my life.

I was once in a Wal-Mart with a friend and his teenage daughter, we were shopping for jeans when I had an internal meltdown because the size of my pants had gone up by one size. His daughter told me that it was OK because I am who I am and this is my body for right now and just buy the pants that I need to wear. The size didn’t matter because she saw me for my heart and person not my weight. She is such a smart little lady.

Her concept is exactly what I have finally taken to heart with the help of my understanding husband. Through many scary moments with him, fearing rejection or criticisms, he has helped me past this negative part I’ve lived with my whole life. He loves me for me and not my body shape. There is more to love than sex and skinny figures. So many people throughout my life have given me positive feedback and tools to help my self-image but it is only when the person truly takes hold and keeps it close to their heart that they are ready to take the leap and love them self.

Needless to say my figure does affect my health but not in the way one would think. I need to lose weight because I know my cardio health will be better and I will be better able to enjoy more outside activities for a longer time frame than I do now. But as I work daily to make better food choices and exercise according to what my body can handle I know that these efforts are for me and no one else.  I choose to make healthier choices because I want to be around longer and be there for my kids. Does this mean I will weigh 105 and wear clothes like my daughter, no way! I will never be 21 again unless we find a time machine to take me back, but even then I would not go back because I like who I am and the woman I’ve become. I have learned that my worth is not tied to a number and that being loved is possible without giving my soul away. I guess what I am trying to say is don’t be a number, be a person with a heart and soul. We all struggle but you’re not alone and you can do anything you want to with a little self-discipline. You are a beautiful creature and unique to yourself.

Spring time is here in the Willamette valley and it is beautiful. Flowers bursting forth bring with them a variety of colors. Trees opening their leaves to fill in the empty branches from winter. Birds are chirping and geese are having their babies. Oh my it is such a joy to see so much life flourishing around me. This time of year is probably my favorite. Being outdoors with my toes in the dirt makes me so happy that all negativity gets washed away with the warm sun and beauty all around. My last post was depressing but it was also a true reality. So what can I do to help with such thoughts? I spend time outdoors digging garden beds in the soil. Making new places for plants to thrive and fairies to visit.

Finding joy in any activity can help relieve some of the pain or sadness associated with mental or physical disorders. I’m not saying gardening is a cure all but for me the activity gives me something back in return. This gift comes as a feeling of contentment in my surroundings, peacefulness in my soul, even if temporary, just a basic  enjoyment of life. Sometimes when my body is hurting so bad and I feel like pulling one more weed is going to kill me, I just lay back on the grass and look up at the super tall pines swaying gently in the wind letting my mind wander off to some nice daydream. Then back to gardening again when the pain subsides. These are the little things are what get me through.

As I mentioned before, stopping to smell the roses really is good for you, at least it is for me. When I am feeling down or hurting I look to nature as a way to distract myself. My in laws have such a beautiful piece of property that each chance I get, I go visit for a chance to see them but also a quick little get away to their deck over looking the Santiam river running by. The sound of the water as background noise drowns out all the noise in my head so I can just relax and watch the Osprey catch it’s fish and chow down or enjoy what we now call the duck races. Up and down the river they go, wash, rinse, and repeat. They never seem to get bored going back and forth all day long. Relaxing or finding new ways to relax is super important for me. Stress and tension carry a lot of anxiety causing more pain and sleepless nights than I care to admit. Since I live in a townhouse without a yard I have to get creative. The picture shows my little garden on my walkway and front porch. Even this little bit of nature make me happy.

I always look forward to spring and early summer. The best time of the year to commune with nature or to be still taking it all in. Take one day at a time knowing that if today isn’t a good day tomorrow will be here sooner than you think and we get a whole new 24hours to start all over again offering the chance to make the best choices possible as they come. Look to the light, it always outshines the darkness. Go plant some happiness.

I just had a birthday and was able to take a few days off from work to cruise over to the Oregon coast. Sounds like an amazing time to spend with my husband and just enjoy the sun, waves, and agate hunting. However, as much as I enjoyed the trip I also found myself hurting quite a bit and feeling a little low. My limitations are beginning to really show with the Fibro and it really is a drain.

Watching the waves roll in one by one each with such force and awe truly had my mind engrossed. I sat and stared for such a long time not sharing any words with my husband, just sat in silence. The ocean in all its beauty and majesty seems so peaceful yet I know that it is only a facade for underneath is a raging force ready to swallow anything in its way. In this moment I sat thinking how wonderful it would be to walk right in and let the waves crash down and sweep me away to my watery grave. Then I thought it wouldn’t work because of the natural instinct to survive. We all have it and when faced with imminent death humans tend to panic trying to stay alive. The peace death offers looks so enticing. I shared my thoughts with my husband who never over reacts to anything and he just nodded, listening intently to my words. I told him it’s not that I want to die but these thoughts still continue to enter my mind. It’s like the day I was driving home from work and saw the forest and wanted to go lay down among the trees to never return. I feel as if I’m a freak whose brain always runs to death for peace and quiet. Why can’t I imagine a moment where there is peace and quiet without associating that with death. It’s not death I want, it is life.  I owe that statement to my ‘fake’ mom. She knows who she is and her wise words rang true. She said it’s not that I want death but peace while I enjoy life. The ability to enjoy activities again without pain, wouldn’t that be Fantastic!

So I’m not losing my mind, thankfully, but needed redirection to understand what it is I really want. This makes me want to cry right now because my whole life I’ve dealt with suicidal thoughts and would sink so low I felt like I’d never climb out of that hole. There was a time when I was in an abusive marriage and planned how I was going to cut my wrists and bleed out. Figuring on a mess to clean up once I was no more I planned to do it in the shower so all that was needed would be a simple cleaning and down the drain my life force would go. Obviously I did not do it, I’m still here, still searching for peace, but that was my goal then as well. Not death but peace from the torment of my exhusband and the physical and mental abuse he imposed on me and the kids daily. I reached out in that moment and called my ‘fake’ mom for I needed to talk right then. I was so close to doing it but she had me open my Bible to a passage in Psalms which spoke of being lifted out of the miry clay and given a firm place to stand. My heart lifted and something changed in that moment. I felt a relief and the burden of everyday life was lifted a little. I managed to go on.

Peace and quiet in my normal everyday life would be great but reality dictates otherwise. I know that life is a lot of hustle and bustle  and I struggle daily to find the joy in my regular activities being work or home life. I love my family and enjoy my work so I try to think “it could be worse”. I really have nothing to complain about because my needs have always been met and I am actually pretty content with my environment. We have never gone without, yet this dark sadness looking for peace is still a dark part of my soul. I share these things because there are so many of us out there wanting peace and quiet but don’t know where or how to find it. All I can say to that is my Silver Lining is knowing that each day is a journey and I try to remain positive seeing the good all around me. Whether that is the gorgeous road I drive every day to work or seeing a bird fly by. I try to stop and really smell the roses. The picture above is of my Freya and even she stops her crazy doggy stuff to smell the flowers. I think we all should. I think also the peace is already in our soul we just have to remove the yucky stuff that keeps it hidden.

Several years ago I was part of a group  called CODA. I had a sponsor and she gave me an assignment to write a paper about love and what it has to do with anything and everything. I never wrote the essay because I could not understand that concept. I kept telling her I would do it and even attempted the project but never completed the paper. Now here I am, 8 years later ready to put on paper or in this case the internet, what love has to do with it.

Let’s define what It is. It could be you, It could be the way we interact with others, It could be just about anything in our lives, family, friends, pets, ourselves, the list goes on and on. I think for me It became realizing I am a person worthy of self-love as much as I love my family. Learning to enjoy and love myself has been a long journey through the dark, stained areas of my soul and finally getting to the good part.

So looking at myself right now I am far more heavier in weight than I have ever been in my life. What have I learned about this horrible reality? Well, for one, I have found over the last year that even though I am a wide-load the number on the scale does not define my character. I am who I am and this is me for now and only in this moment because each day brings new opportunities to make better decisions. I have learned to accept myself in all my faults knowing that my positive traits outweigh the not so good ones; the good ones are who I strive to be. Also, I know that I surely will find more negatives traits as I continue on this journey, its not the end of the world. I have learned allowance. Allowance to be happy and to be free of the never ending burden of crap I carry around. All that old baggage really doesn’t matter in this moment and it is very heavy so giving myself leeway to move more freely within my own thoughts and not feel like I have to carry the whole world on my shoulders, (thanks Atlas) is freeing. The crap will still be there tomorrow so why not enjoy the here and now. I’ve also learned I’m able to be loved by others, and that is OK. I don’t need to worry about whether I’m good enough or not because it really doesn’t make a difference. If someone loves me, then they love me fat or skinny, and all things in between.

I think learning to love oneself is so important to the healing process, especially since we go wherever we go. We can’t leave ourselves behind. We have to live with ourselves until death do I part,  and the yucky stuff in our past will always be there, challenging us in every way possible, but knowing that I am important and valuable is a great way to combat those demons inside our heads. As much as I would love to say being a loner is cool, and it can be for a short while, I don’t think humans were meant to be alone forever. So being important and valuable by finding your own self worth and being able to give that same feeling back to another person can be very fulfilling. I love my husband and kids but saw how damaging my self deprecating attitude was affecting the people I loved. I personally had to self-reflect to find new ways to better myself.

Love has everything to do with everything. Through self love and respect I can grow emotionally stronger to be better equipped to handle some of the smaller crisis’ in life. Some of the tools I use to grow is self-reflection, mindful meditation, logic, exercise, time to myself, music, art, and the list goes on and on. Self-respect and self-love comes in many different forms and there is no one right way to find it. Whatever helps you and moves you forward is good enough.

Most things seem to either start with self or eventually have me finding my way back to self. What I mean is that when I’m facing an external issue I end up looking inward to see how I played a part in the issue and try to correct my behavior rather than focus on the other persons contribution. If I take each moment as they come, and try to do better the next time around, then I feel like I’ve succeeded; even if it doesn’t seem like it in the big overall picture, that doesn’t matter, small steps collected together make miles. I feel like sometimes I only learn in hindsight. What does this have to do with love? Well, I think, everything. To love another person you must love yourself first. When conflict arises love still exists but emotions can run rampant causing bad things to be said or acted on. So by learning to love myself I can become a better person for me, my kids, husband, friends, whoever by choosing to act in love and not anger or blame. There is nothing to dwell on and make me depressed or anxious when these short lived events happen. I think this sounds like I am acting in purely selfish motives but I’m not. I’m trying to love me and allow myself and others the freedom to make mistakes and get back to regular life quicker than usual.

Everyone has some kind of issue they are dealing with and learning to love myself has given me a better insight to others. I am glad that I can share my stories with others, especially since I can see the struggle. I could say a lot of really cool affirmations but they make no difference until you one day in your own experience feel the love for yourself. Then those little quotes and stuff will actually have meaning to you. Your journey to love yourself and others is inside you regardless of what baggage you carry around. Every heart has the ability to love, but the question is will you allow it to be loved?

 

 

Mel Brooks is one of my favorite movie directors and if he could see my life it would be portrayed on screen as a comedy. However, anxiety is not a comedy and has been more like a curse, like a demon I have to battle everyday. Whether it is the panic attacks or my mind spinning out of control I have had to find ways to cope with the unending anxiety. Firstly, if you have the ability to see a doctor and get help, please do so. I have found relief in some of the medication I take but that is not the whole picture. Being diagnosed with anxiety and PTSD sucks. It is a daily struggle, some days are better than others, but with self management techniques you to can survive this. I used to think I was a freak when talking about my personal experiences with anxiety and felt like I was very alone in this…unless you have it, anxiety can be hard to relate to.

I was watching a T.V. show with my husband a couple of weeks ago when a lady came on who I automatically judged to be a military barbie doll but was quickly corrected when I heard her story. She had been in the military for eight long years and she was on this show to combat her own anxiety and PTSD. This caught my interest since I could relate. I watched her as she suffered through the reality show just to tap out before she could complete the competition but what really hit home was her actions during the time she was suffering and the fact that  she was strong enough to recognize the issue and get help. The camera filmed her hyper-vigilance to sounds, her constant jumpiness, brain spinning out of control, not be able to give positive self talk, and her insomnia. Her demons were showing. In that moment I felt like a jerk for stereotyping her but even more I felt bad because she was just like me. Her thoughts and triggers are different than mine but the way her body and brain responded was textbook symptoms and that just blew my mind. I realized that my anxiety was not made up or “just in my head”. It is real.

I finally went and got some help when my flashbacks about my ex-husbands truck driving down the road approaching me from the opposite direction would send my heart racing, my hands shaking, my skin would flush, and I would get super jumpy and the fear would always be just under the surface waiting to explode like a volcano. That was all I could think about when those images would flash through my already hyperactive brain randomly without warning. It was horrible. I would tell myself he is over a 1000 miles away and I was safe, there was nothing he could do to hurt me. Still, I couldn’t handle it anymore, the depression was at an all time high, with the anxiety, PTSD, and just trying to handle all the new stressor’s in my life I was at my wits end. I reached out and found some counseling in addition to some medicine, it helped, but did not fix my problem.

I don’t think anything can really fix anxiety but I do believe certain things can subdue it and make it more manageable. I learned how to meditate,  probably not the correct way, but found if I focused on the sounds around me and not what was in my head it would help me relax. Listening to the birds chirp with my eyes closed and hearing the wind blow through the tall pine trees was actually very calming. I found that this was the beginning of how I started to learn to control my own mind. It is mine brain, I should control it, not it controlling me.

Music was another choice for me. It doesn’t matter what type you listen too as long as you love it and feel it. I personally am a huge rock fan and love all the older artist like Ozzy, Iron Maiden, ACDC, you get the picture. I found that certain songs reached my soul and when I felt anxious I would put in my ear buds and just rock out. It is a great way to decompress. One of my favorites is from Ozzy and it is called ‘Fire in the Sky’. If you get a chance, here is a link to youtube to listen to the words, it really hits home with me and my journey wading through the waters. Fire in the Sky

I have also learned to breathe, be ever conscious of my muscle tension and try to relax. Long strolls on the coast, looking for agates and ocean treasures really took my mind to a happy place that was restful. I started to feel like a normal person when I began to do these activities.

I will probably always have anxiety but with good coping skills and light medication I can manage my symptoms. Once in awhile when the paranoia kicks in and the craziness of my brain try’s to take over and I have to reflect upon what I’ve learned thus far and make that conscious attempt to help myself. It can be done but is a never ending challenge. Just when I think I have a handle on life, the universe throws me a curve ball and I have to adjust again. There really is a light at the end of the tunnel even if it is in small doses and don’t forget in this crazy world of hustle and bustle to stop, smell the roses, or in this case in Oregon, smell everything because springtime is here and with that comes new life, new hopes and dreams and everything in between.