Author: heidiwattage

Earlier I wrote about my present diagnosis of Fibromyalgia and I how it really bothered me to have an actual diagnosis because that made it more real for me. Even though I have had chronic pain for a long time and even assumed it was probably Fibromyalgia I did not have to acknowledge it and could self medicate to help me cope. That came in the form of either smoking cigs, drinking, or just over eating to get the good feeling. None of it worked. In fact I’m overweight, can’t drink at all now due to the medicine I take, and well, I quit smoking several years ago. So how do I get through it now? Unfortunately you probably won’t like my answer but I just perservere. I manage my pain through light exercise which really does help me and I take two prescriptions that I recently started that seem to be helping a lot. But man, did I get depressed when I had to accept this was my new reality. I felt my self slipping into despair and could feel the cold hand of Depression resting on my shoulder. I reached out to my doctor and told him I just want to walk into a forest and lay down to die. This scared me.

Knowing depression all to well I knew of I did not acknowledge how I felt I could easily go down that dark road again. What I mean by that is October 2015 I had finally met my low after a long remission. I went to a party where we were all drinking and being stupid, adults only of course. I drank until my heart could not feel anything and this sent me over the edge. We were at a beach house on the coast of Oregon, normally my favorite place, and late that night I staggered to the edge of the cliffs around midnight in a storm and sat down wondering which cliff I should throw myself off. Nothing mattered to me except how and where I wanted to die. I battled internally for a long time whether or not to fall over. But something deep in me kept saying this is not the right place, or time to do this. I wanted forested cliffs with rocks to ensure a quick death. Not the cliffs of that seaside town. As twisted as this sounds it was what got me up off the ground to walk back to the house and pass out.

The next day rolls around and I was still alive but feeling worse than ever. I could not come out of the room. I stayed in bed until past noon and everyone had taken off to the beach for some agate hunting. I was so ashamed, felt guilty, still wanted to die but would have settled for being a recluse in some dark cave far from there. I manage pull myself together and go out for the day by myself.

Im still here, this is a few days later, now a month has passed. Still very depressed, crying on the way to work everyday, and trying to give myself good selftalk. I was drowning. I finally reached out to my healthcare team and in uncontrollable tears called to get some help. I did get some counseling and decided to try an antidepressant. I knew I was at my  wits end and the madness in me needed to end or at least give me a slight reprieve. I agreed to Lexapro and therapy. About 9 months in on lexapro my world really changed.  I got my memories back from years gone by and it was like the flood gates opened and I was watching a movie of my life in my brain. I was estactic. I realized I was doing good. I hadn’t felt depressed in quite a while and even my husband had noticed huge behavioral changes in me. I knew then that the depression and anxiety I was feeling wasn’t ‘just in my head’. I had a real problem affected by chemical and environmental factors. I felt like I could handle this and move forward.

So why did I get depressed when I found out about Fibromyalgia? I now think in hindsight that my reaction was probably very normal and a certain amount of sadness in recognizing somewhat unpleasant is normal and that concept was my Silver Lining. This too shall pass. Knowing that I am normal with normal feelings and not a psycho crazy lady freaking out at the drop of a hat. Something so simple but so profound hit me in a different way than I ever expected. It’s ok to be sad, but what you do and how long one dwells on the sadness, I think determines how the situation will affect you. Enough said, I hope your day is bright and sunny knowing you are never alone in your battle and the strength to conquer anything resides within you.

April 2017. I have Fibromyalgia. It really sucks. I have lived with some type of body pain my whole life so why would the thought of being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia make feel so sad? Back in November 2016 my arms started to hurt really bad. Not like normal aches and pains but sharp, burning, stinging on the skin when touched. I thought I was going to go crazy with the pain. I tried some basic things like making sure my ergo assessment at work was correct, especially since I had just started a new position at a different office,  I knew this could be what was causing my arms to hurt if the ergo numbers were off. So after about a week of that I noticed the pain was still there and now I could feel it actually start to fire right in the center of my upper outer part of the arm. It would actually radiate out like in a circle and travel everywhere it could reach from that point. Then my shoulders, collar bone area and neck would start with the rapid super intense sharp pains. It was all I could do to just breathe through each moment. Then the pain would climax and I knew I would be able to continue my work.

I have never been physically limited for such an extended amount of time like I have over the last several months. Even when I herniated the disks in my low back about ten years ago, I was only down for about 3 months and then literally went hiking in the local rocky foothills with my kids. But now it is a chore just to make it through the grocery store without cringing in pain. Then I saw the doctor and he recommended me to a pain clinic group class and it was then did the reality of what was happening start to set in and so did my old buddy Depression. I refer to Depression as a He because in my own way I associate this disorder as separate thing from me and just visiting, not residing. I could feel Him getting closer and could almost feel the hand of darkness settle on my shoulder as if to let me know He is here. Now in addition to the constant pain of Fibromyalgia, I now have to put up my defenses to guard against the Dark One.

As you can see just having just those two conditions are pretty serious. I have Psoriatic Arthritis in my low back accompanied by psoriasis on my skin. The itching and burning I sometimes would get with the patches on my skin could be so aggravating to suffer though. The skin condition is what really took me to the doctor, it was getting way out of control. I have large patches on my legs and arms that I can cover up but the ones on my scalp (they are covered by my hair mostly) were starting to migrate down on to my face. My vanity kicked in and I was desperate to find something to keep it from making me into a scaly lizard face. That’s how I felt, like a person mutating into a reptile. My husband and I would joke about being “reptilian” just to keep it light. So after going to one doctor who referred me to another doctor, he suggested and believed the body pain was not arthritis but Fibromyalgia. I was dumbstruck. For a moment I drew a blank. He gave me some brochures, talked with me, gave me a prescription, and referred me to the pain clinic so I could learn how to live with chronic pain. I already did live with chronic pain, that’s why I went to the doctor so we could try to fix it. Why did I need a pain group, I was upset, I wanted to cry, but I didn’t. I got in my jeep and went home.

This present experience is what brings me to this blog. I want to share my experiences with these conditions so others can see they are not alone. I have felt very alone at times and the despair that can come from those feelings just aren’t worth it.

So for now, I will end this post with this. I am now a few months in with a couple of medications, exercise, and actively using other skills I’ve previously learned to help cope with the chronic pain and emotional crap that goes with it and do feel much better. I keep my eyes on the silver lining and know that one day this too will pass.